雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~

雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~
Subject ：As technology develops,more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent.Is this a positive or a negative development?
Today,human civilisation has leapt into a hi-tech age,which means increasing individuals gradually tend to interest in online shopping,as well as online business.As a consequence,there are less opportunities for “face to face” communication among the individuals.
There is no doult that a new business model,the e-business,has penetrated into the various aspects of people’s life,which benefits us a lot,not only in terms of business but also in terms of customers.More precisely,doing business online definitely could afford a tremendous market,which would stimulate the sales of products to a large extent.Also,with the powerful Internet,the time is shrunk and the efficiency is boosted,offering a prominent advantage to the business at the moment,when the time and the efficiency is considered as funds in the keen battlefield of commerce.On the other hand,online shopping surely has become a sweeping trend which sways numourous buyers’ consuming notion,as well as shaped a rapid brand-new approach for consuming.As is known to us,the products online are always cheaper,and it is more convenient for us to find the things in need,regardless of time and places.
However,the boosting of e-business has given rise to the decline of “face to face” contacts in real life.Thus,some people fear that this fact probably would alienate people from each other,for that the virtual Internet could not support the relations.But overall,to keep relations,whether could meet frequently or not does not matter,what matters is our sincereness.
My view is that it is such an excellent approach trading online,which seems to be more economical and practical,and it would be better if pepole could perfect it and promote it.
Any advice is appreciated!thanks~