雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~Subject :As technology develops,more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent.Is this a positive or a negative development?Today,human civilisation has leapt into a hi-tech age,which means increasing individuals gradually tend to interest in online shopping,as well as online business.As a consequence,there are less opportunities for “face to face” communication among the in

问题描述:

雅思作文,求修改建议并评分~
Subject :As technology develops,more shopping and business is done through the internet while communication face to face becomes less frequent.Is this a positive or a negative development?
Today,human civilisation has leapt into a hi-tech age,which means increasing individuals gradually tend to interest in online shopping,as well as online business.As a consequence,there are less opportunities for “face to face” communication among the individuals.
There is no doult that a new business model,the e-business,has penetrated into the various aspects of people’s life,which benefits us a lot,not only in terms of business but also in terms of customers.More precisely,doing business online definitely could afford a tremendous market,which would stimulate the sales of products to a large extent.Also,with the powerful Internet,the time is shrunk and the efficiency is boosted,offering a prominent advantage to the business at the moment,when the time and the efficiency is considered as funds in the keen battlefield of commerce.On the other hand,online shopping surely has become a sweeping trend which sways numourous buyers’ consuming notion,as well as shaped a rapid brand-new approach for consuming.As is known to us,the products online are always cheaper,and it is more convenient for us to find the things in need,regardless of time and places.
However,the boosting of e-business has given rise to the decline of “face to face” contacts in real life.Thus,some people fear that this fact probably would alienate people from each other,for that the virtual Internet could not support the relations.But overall,to keep relations,whether could meet frequently or not does not matter,what matters is our sincereness.
My view is that it is such an excellent approach trading online,which seems to be more economical and practical,and it would be better if pepole could perfect it and promote it.
Any advice is appreciated!thanks~

总的说来,你的用词和句子还不错,用到了不少高级词汇。不过还有一些地方有待提高咯,下面是我的一些建议,希望对你有帮助哈。
1、我觉得在首段最好先讲明自己的观点,不然就给读者一个猜测的心理在读你的文章(当时专八作文老师是这样给我们说的咯)
2、我不清楚雅思作文字数有何要求,不过你的段落太少,专八400字,老师说最好除开头和结尾中间部分分3段,不然段落少每段必定很长,句与句关系层次更容易出错。所谓的壮美而畸形。。。嘿嘿
3、最好用上连接段落的连接词咯,比如to begin with, what's more, in addition...这样更一目了然。
4、在阐述自己观点时,可采用举例论证咯,毕竟事实胜于雄辩嘛,这样更有说服力还增加字数呢,不然说理感觉很干瘪。
此上乃本人之拙见,望于尔有用。^_^

1.首先,在雅思作文中是不提倡在文章末尾才提出自己的观点的.这样做确实很有特色,我以前也经常这么干.但是你要想,考官面对那么多份卷子,怎么可能一篇篇仔细看.他只能扫一眼,看每段的中心意思,有没有离题,词汇怎么样....