谁有幽默的英文演讲稿（200词左右,急用）我现在参加一个英语演讲比赛,现在急需一个内容,要非常幽默的,不要对话的!

A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter,the other on the pavement．
A pupil meeting him said：
“Good evening,professor．How are you?
“Well,” answered the professor,“I thought I was all right when I left home,but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．”
16．心不在焉的老师
有一天,人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走,他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里,另一只脚踩在人行道上.
一个碰见他的学生说：
“晚安,老师.您怎么了?”
“啊,”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的,可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病.我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了.”
by Leigh Hunt
I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual,and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance,full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school,the master standing behind him．
The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow,whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops,stood half looking at the book,and half casting his eye towards the right of him, whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him,and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport,and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：
Master．“Now,young man,have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．）
Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity,and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind?
（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．）
Pupil（raising his voice to a cry,and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No!”
Master．“Zounds,young man!have a care how you provoke me!”
Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing?”
（Here a terrible thump．）
Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．”
15．诵读课
李·亨特
当年我有个同学,入学比常规的年龄要迟,而且几乎完全不会读书.那时有个学生用的阅读课本,叫做《传教士和印第安人的对话》.课本不怎么样,尽是不得要领的论说和一些老生常谈.那孩子常常手拿该课本出现在学校*,身后站着教师.
授课即将开始.那可怜的学生的毛病在于他读音节时语调深沉地拖长腔并略去应有的停顿.他站立着,三心二意地看着书,一面向身子右边瞄去,因为打击将会来自那个方向.教师盯视着他,手已摆出了打人的架势.因为时隔已久,我的引述可能不很确切,但就我所忆,先生和学生的一次对话的要旨大致如下：
老师：“年轻人,小心点；要不我可要让你狠狠吃点苦头.”（这是他的口头禅.）
学生：（大难临头,身体猛然一摇闪,根本记不得在“传教士”一词后应该停顿.）“传教士你能看见风吗?”
（教师扇了他一耳光.）
学生：（提高了嗓音,几乎是在哭喊,但仍不记得要停顿）“印第安人不能啊!”
教师：“该死!年轻人,小心点别惹我发火!”
学生：（一如既往漏掉停顿）“传教士那你怎么知道有这样一种东西呢?”
（这时来了重重一击.）
学生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因为我感觉到了.”
Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today．
“It works like this,” she said．“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns,for instance．”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns．“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman,a bobby in flames．See?Bobby Burns!”
“I see what you mean,” said the class know it all．“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”
14．诗人的名字
我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统.
“这个系统是这样的,”她说.“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如,要记住罗伯特·彭斯的名字.”她告诉我们把他当作博比·彭斯.“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象,燃烧着的警察.明白吗?警察燃烧!”
“我明白你的意思,”班上的万事通说.“但是你怎么能说那就不是罗伯特·布朗宁呢?”
Proctor（exceedingly angry）：“So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched?Now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair?”
Soph．（meekly）：“The right leg,sir．”
13．右腿
学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里,浑身湿透?那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢?”
二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿,先生.”
Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation,and the doctor,somewhat nettled,said：“Landon,you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subject．You seem to lack ambition．Why,at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world．”
“Yes,” said Landon,“he couldn't help it,for you will recall the fact,doctor,that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher．”
12．亚历山大大帝
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵.老师有点不悦,对他说道：
“兰登,你在这门课上好像进步不大,你好像缺乏志向.亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界.”
“是啊,”兰登说,“他没法不那样.博士先生,您回想一下史实,亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师.”
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．”
A student,after reading the notice,rubbed out the“c”．
Later Professor Laurie came along,and entering into the spirit of the joke,rubbed out the“l”．
11．“班”和“笨驴”
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班.”
一个学生读了通知后,擦掉了字母“c”.
后来劳里教授来了,也想开开玩笑,他擦掉了字母“l”.
Billy and Bobby were small boys．They were brothers,and they often had fights with each other．
Last Saturday their mother said to them,“I'm going to cook our lunch now．Go out and play in the garden—and be good．”
“Yes,Mummy,” the two boys answered,and they went out．
They played in the garden for half an hour,and then Billy ran into the kitchen．“Mummy,” he said,“Bobby's broken a window in Mrs．Allen's house．” Mrs．Allen was one of their neighbors．
“He's a bad boy,”his mother said．“How did he break it?”
“I threw a stone at him,” Billy answered,“and he quickly moved down．”
10．是他的错
比利和波比都是小男孩.他们是兄弟,两人经常打架.
上个星期六,他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了.去,到花园去玩吧,别淘气.”
“是,妈妈,”两个男孩回答,然后他们就出去了.
他们在花园里玩了半个小时,然后比利跑进了厨房.“妈妈,”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻璃.”艾伦太太是他们的邻居.
“他是个坏孩子,”他的妈妈说.“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?”
“我朝他扔了一块石子,”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下.”
Mr．and Mrs．Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat．Now Mrs．Taylor was expecting another child．
Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much,so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too．
One evening Mr．and Mrs．Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival．“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes,”said Mr．Taylor．
Pat came into the room just then and said,“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now,because the new baby's coming,”his mother answered．
“ It's no use,”said Pat hopelessly．“ He'll follow us there．”
9．新生儿
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩,名叫帕特.现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎.
帕特在别人家看见过婴儿,他不太喜欢他们,所以他对自己家里也将有一个婴儿的消息感到不满.
一天晚上,泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排.泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿,我们的房子就太小,不够住了.”
帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋,他问：“你们在说什么?”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家,因为婴儿就要诞生了.”
“那没用,”帕特绝望地说.“他会跟我们到那儿去的.”