帮忙看看这篇托福作文(185的题目)

帮忙看看这篇托福作文(185的题目)
我三月份考,看看有什么语言上的问题吗?我个人觉得结构上还行,就是词汇不大好,是185题库里的86题
86.If you could go back to some time and place in the past,when and where would you go?Why?Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.
As we all know that going back to the past is just some kind of myth or fairy,things like that never happen to real life.However,most of us ,me included,may admit that we had once dreamed about that.For me,given the chance to go back to the past,i would choose to go back to my childhood,the time when i learnt how to play piano.
I love piano,especially the sound and the agreeable feeling at the mere touch of the piano.With the support of my parents,i started to learn it,and it seemed that i had some gift in that.During that time,i learnt a lot.For instance,i learnt how to" read "the music,and thus imitated and played by myself.It is a fundamental process of learning that can be useful throughout my life.Further more,i found that things may appear simple,and we always making goals without considering whether or not we could obtain them.In fact ,the way to achieve them is tough,arduous,and even hard to tolerant,and that's why so much people fail in the dark process.Such things once happened to me,and my mother told me that success is no easy and only could you get it if you are hardworking.So what you have to do is work ,work and work!I am not sure whether i really understand what she meant at that young age,but i eventually did as she said.Therefore,i success,i finaly learn how to play the piano,and today,i play it with ease and relax.
I choose this period of time i mostly want to go back to is because,the persistence it taught me,and without the persistence,i could hardly do anything.Today ,we lived in a world with fast speed,everything seems to be easy including success,which is certainly not.Although we have more and more technology,we must keep in mind that success is accomplished by one hundred percent laborious working,not by cheating,not by plagiarism,not by chance.