求改托福作文.（TPO8综合写作）
求改托福作文.（TPO8综合写作）
TPO8：The lecturer actually contradicts the statement made in the passage.She is of the view that Chevalier’s memoir is accurate and reliable.To begin with,the lecturer contradicts the issue that according to Chevalier’s memoir,he was very wealthy,but evidence showed he borrowed sums of money from his friends,which is controversial.She holds the opinion that borrowing money from friends can be the evidence of being poor,and because he need time to transfer asset into money,he may borrow money from friends to maintain the expense on parties and gambling.The issue of that it is skeptical about the accuracy of the conversation that Chevalier records in the memoir between himself and the famous writer Voltaire,since he can not remember exact phrases from the conversation held many years earlier does not please the lecturer neither.She argues that Chevalier can consulate the notes and journals recoding the conversation.Subsequently,the passage says that Chevalier was more likely to get out of the * with the help of his friends who could have offered a bribe rather than escaped by using a piece of mental.Nonetheless,the lecturer argues that as many other *ers who had more power than Chevalier’s friends did not escape from the *,and according to the official document,after Chevalier’s escaping,the * was repaired.Thus we can conclude that the lecturer chal lenges the passage by using reasons about why Chevalier’s memoir is accurate.
The lecturer actually contradicts the statement made in the passage.
She is of the view that Chevalier’s memoir is accurate and reliable.[这句话其实没有必要写成这种形式 可以说 She holds the view that ...“be of” 这种形式能不用就尽量不要用]
To begin with,the lecturer contradicts the issue that according to Chevalier’s memoir,he was very wealthy,but evidence showed he borrowed sums of money from his friends,which is controversial.[句式太长太复杂了 对于native speaker而言 其实并没有那么好懂 建议改写成 In the beginning,the lecturer disagreed with the idea in the Chevalier's memoir.Chevalier's memoir suggested that he was very wealthy.]
She holds the opinion that borrowing money from friends can be the evidence of being poor,and because he need time to transfer asset into money,he may borrow money from friends to maintain the expense on parties and gambling.[重复词汇太多了 句子太长了 句子长其实不是问题 但是逻辑关系不能乱 逻辑关系一定要清楚明白 建议一个句子里面不要出现多于两个的逻辑关系 从句可以 但是逻辑关系要慎重 其实你这个句子我没太看懂 但是如果我改写的话大概会是这个样子 She ...poor.Due to the time that he needs for transfering assets into money,he will borrow more from friends to keep partying and gambling.]
The issue of that it is skeptical about the accuracy of the conversation that Chevalier records in the memoir between himself and the famous writer Voltaire,since he can not remember exact phrases from the conversation held many years earlier does not please the lecturer neither.[Fragment Sentence 把The issue of that拿掉才是句子结构 后面的it is skeptical是一个完整的句子结构 反而是前面的the issue of that没有谓语动词 直接拿掉就好了]
She argues that Chevalier can consulate the notes and journals recoding the conversation.[recoding前面加一个逗号]
Subsequently,the passage says that Chevalier was more likely to get out of the * with the help of his friends who could have offered a bribe rather than escaped by using a piece of mental.[最后一个词 应该是metal如果我没看错的话 金属 建议用get out from 因为你也不确定他到底怎么出来的 get out of有点过于口语化 并且对于他和*的关系表达的太过于随意 后面建议改成 with the bribe offered by his friends,rather than escaping...句子太长的时候请用逗号来分开 更好的让人了解句子结构 ]
Nonetheless,the lecturer argues that as many other *ers who had more power than Chevalier’s friends did not escape from the *,and according to the official document,after Chevalier’s escaping,the * was repaired.[有点混乱 这个句子的主体结构应该是the lecturer argues that...后面接观点 建议拆成两个句子 中间用In addition,作为连接 ]
Thus we can conclude that the lecturer chal lenges the passage by using reasons about why Chevalier’s memoir is accurate.[Thus 后面要加逗号]