请英语高手给我看看一英文信函Billy DAHU.about YIDN sample engines delivey time.JIM told me maybe in early June.if so,it is too late,now YIDN is pushing us the delivery time.they want to HDHDH supply the sample engines in mid May.kindly you can confirm that,if HDHDH can short the delivery time?.i will looking forward to your information,thank you very much.请您指教看看那里不对,还是口气不好.万分的感谢.因为这信我要被老板开除了

好像语法不太通顺啊...

作为英语系的
我只能说你英语水平可能真的不太够
有空多读读外贸的书吧
外贸函电之类的有用的.

改成:
Billy DAHU, about the YIDN sample engines delivery time. Jim told me that it may be in early June. If so, it is too late, because now YIDN is pushing us for the delivery time. They want HDHDH to supply the sample engines in mid May. Can you kindly confirm that if HDHDH can shorten the delivery time? I will be looking forward to your information, thank you very much.
相信我,12岁就来美国了!!

干脆你把要表达的中文说一下，我给你翻译

about YIDN sample engines delivey time.JIM told me maybe in early June.破句,建议可改成,Jim told me that the YIDN's sample engines would not be delivered until early June.
if so,it is too late,now YIDN is pushing us the delivery time.可以用更婉转的语气:I am afraid it is too late; because they want HDHDH to supply the sample engines in mid May.
后面最好用疑问句,Could you kindly confirm if HDHDH can shorten the delivery time?
最后的时态语法有问题I am looking forward to you reply/information.
文末可空行顶头加With best regards

Billy DAHU: JIM told me that the delivery time about YIDN sample engines is about in early June. But it is too late. Now YIDN wants to change the delivery time to mid May. can you confirm that? Can HDHDH short the delivery time? I will wait for your information. Thank you very much.

我感觉开始称呼太过于直接，换成Dear Mr(或Ms.)Billy DAHU好一点。因为你是用外语，只要表述能够理解，老外一般不会太挑剔语法问题。主要是称呼要客气，否则会给人不敬的印象。