My name is Mei.I am 23 years old.I have graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand; Diploma in performance technology (costume) is my major.Four years of life experience in New Zealand made me become an independent,positive,the sense of responsibility and friendly person.The people who influenced me the most is my tutor Suzanne.She is very strict with her student.She asked us to work perfectly; even a small defect would have to redo it again.Many people can

楼主：我给你重新修改了一下，原文有几处不太恰当。
你对照一下
My name is Mei. I am 23 years old. I graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand and my major is Diploma in performance technology (costume). Four years of living experience in New Zealand have made me become independent, positive, and own the sense of responsibility.
The people who influenced me most is my tutor Suzanne. She is very strict with her students. She asked us to try our best to work, even a small defect would make us do it again. Many people could not stand the pressure and gave up. I also thought about it like them, but I know if I really do, I will be a loser. I told myself that as long as I work hard, I can win Suzanne’s praise. I can imagine it is a wonderful thing and I succeed in this goal at last.

I have twice working experiences that improved my English get better and get long with people easily. I am confident that past experiences will prepare me to be an excellent worker and the most important thing is I will work hard. I will do my best if you could give me an opportunity.

我来试一下：
My name is Mei, 23 years old. I have graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand.
My major is Diploma in performance technology (costume). Four years of life in New Zealand made me independent, positive,responsible and friendly.
The people who influenced me the most is my tutor Suzanne. She is very strict with her student. She asked us to work perfectly,didn't allow a small defect. Many people can not stand the pressure and give up. I have also thought about it, but I know if I really give up, I would be a loser. I told myself that I can win Suzanne’s praise as long as I work hard. What a wonderful thing it is!Finally, I succeeded.

Twice working experiences had improved my English much,made me getting long with people easily. I am confident to be an excellent worker. Nothing is more mportant than my working hard. Please give me a chance, I will do my best.

My name is Mei（Mei？就一个词吗？？）. I am 23 years old. I have（have可以不要吧~） graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand;（这里用句号吧~） Diploma in performance technology (costume) is my major. Four years of life experience in New Zealand made me become an independent, positive, the（用a比较好？） sense of responsibility and friendly person.
The people who influenced me the（去掉the） most is my tutor Suzanne. She is very strict with her student（students比较好）. She asked us to work perfectly; even a small defect would have to redo it again. Many people can not stand the pressure and give up.（加Although，后面去掉but怎么样？） I have also thought about it, but（去掉这个but） I know（knew？） if I really do, I am（was？） just a loser. I told myself as long as I work hard; I can win Suzanne’s praise. I can imagine it is a wonderful thing and（加个finially？） I succeed in this goal.

I have twice working experiences that improved my English get （去掉get，简洁。）better and get long with people easily. I am confidante that past experiences will prepare me to be an excellent worker and（加个what） the most important thing is（加个that） I am（am改为will比较好) work hard. Please give me a chance. I will do my best.
这是你的求职简历吧？？~~~

My name is Mei. I am 23 years old. I have graduated from UNITEC, New Zealand majoring in performance technology (costume). Four years of experience living in New Zealand made me an independent, positive, responsible and friendly person.
The people who influenced me the most is my tutor-Suzanne. She is very strict with her students. She demands us to hand in works that are perfect. Even a small defect would make us having to redo the assignment. Many people cannot stand the pressure and gave up. I have also thought about that, but I know if I really do, I will become a failure. I told myself as long as I work hard, I will get Suzanne's praise one day. I imagined it as a wonderful thing and I eventually succeeded.

I had two working experiences which improved my English and my socializing skills. I am confident that past experiences will prepare me to be an excellent worker. I am a hard worker, please give me a chance, I will do my best.
不要老用";"

I am Mei who is currently 23-year-old. I have graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand; My major is diploma in performance technology (costume). Four years of life experience in New Zealand have let me be...

My name is Mei. I am 23 years old. I graduated from UNITEC in New Zealand with the Diploma in performance technology (costume). Four years of life experience in New Zealand made me an independent and positive person, and it fully developed my sense of responsibility.
The one who gave me the most influence is my tutor Suzanne. She was very strict with her students. She asked us to work towards perfection. A small defect would cause a makeover or even a redo. Many people could not take the pressure and gave up. I also had a sway on facing such a challenge, but I knew if I gave way to it, I would be nothing but a loser. I told myself, as long as I worked hard, I could win Suzanne’s approval. I could imagine it would be a wonderful thing that I succeeded in acheiving the goal of winning myself in a sense.

I have two chances in gaining my working experiences that definitely improved my English as well as interpersonal skills. I am confident that these experiences prepared me to a certain extend for me to be an excellent worker. What's more important is that I am a hard worker. I will do my best too prove myself a valuable employee if a chance is granted.