写了一篇托福作文,希望能得到一些意见和建议,

写了一篇托福作文,希望能得到一些意见和建议,
文章主要都是自己发挥,不太想用模板,觉得这样会有些枯燥,而且对长期的写作帮助不大.所以写得比较随意,可能问题会比较多,虚心赐教,
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment- doing things they like to do- rather than doing things they should do.
I do not agree with the statement.
In this days and ages,the society has thrown before us a number of options for enjoyment and activities.You can go to cinema for a wonderful Star Wars night,hang out with girl friend in a beautiful beach,or just sleep until noon.In a word,people seem to have the freedom to speed their time on personal enjoyment and doing things they like,however,is the thing really fabulous as it seems to be?
Unfortunately,we are rarely seeing people to throw everything they need to do behind,and spend plenty time on enjoyment.Instead,individuals are always busy on what they should to do rather than what they like to do.Asked why people behave this way,the response in society has a boilerplate answer:the greatest factor comes from an ocean of responsibilities of the highly competitive society.Literally speaking,individuals act various roles in their life,ranging from parents of a family to a manager of a company.There are endless affairs waiting them to handle,manifestly,the work and family leave very limited time for them to enjoy their life.They may prefer to enjoy their life,yet,the diverse responsibilities would not allow them to spend plenty of time on it,instead,impelling them allocate much more time on what they should to do.
Furthermore,not only does adults was pushed to spend primary concentration on their obligations,but also children cannot be the exception.For example,nowadays,a large portion of primary students has attended various classes,such as piano,foreigner language and so on and so forth.They hardly have time to spend with their friends because their parents’ restrictions.When they grow up,it is reasonable to imagine that they will be costumed to control their desires,acting as their parents.
In conclusion,it is really difficult to judge whether people should pay their mainly attention to their job and families,which generally is considered as the things should do.Given the dilemma to people,why not we just try to transform “should” to “like”.It will definitely be the optimum choice.Hence,enjoying our time with family and being enthusiastic to the job might be the best conclusion for this discussion.