帮忙看看我的雅思作文,可以得几分?

帮忙看看我的雅思作文,可以得几分?
illiteracy has traditionally been viewed as largely a third world problem.however it is becoming apparent that in countries such as the usa and australia,illiteracy is on the increase.discuss possible causes for this and its effect on society .
我的文章：
There is a growing tendency these years that not only in a wide range of the third world,but also some developed countries,such as the USA and Australia,illiteracy,which arouses a global attention,is on the increase.I’ll show you my opinion of the possible causes and its effects on society.
As we all know,the financial strength of these developped countries is strong.The government has subsidized the poor citizens or the layoffs for a long time.The legislation,which people treat as an exchange or a pacifier,facilitates more young people to drop out of school.The other reason is the parents,who concentrate on their work too much for the work stress in such competitive society instead of giving enough attention to their children.The lack of care from parents and sensory deprivation of love generate children’s negative attitude to school,meanwhile,illiteracy become flooded.
Actually,illiteracy brings about a wealth of social problems,the deficiency of workforces and other hi-tech workers and juvenile delinquncy,for example.Even though a part of illiteracy do no harm to the society,who are just at loose ends,no contribution do they do to the community.
To sum up,illiteracy would have had a better life if they had an encouraging climate of learning.
Nowadays,it becomes a horrendous world issue,which will influence the education sector or the economy of a country,even the whole world.