My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右

My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右
My Role model
I have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a dancing school which is small but famous for a graduate,George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.
George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego.He was small in his high school day,but had vitality as high as any other boys for playing basketball.He was a basketball club member.His friend in high school often said,”He can play as if he has four arms and four legs.” He could move faster than any other players then.
He was curious not just in basketball but in dancing his high school age.George asked his father if he can go to a school for dancing,but his family could not afford the school fee.He thought that he should have worked to make money for school,and stared his job as early as he graduated from high school.He found a hard but you could earn quite large money job and entered a dancing school a year later.
People could not have become famous dancer unless they had been in an expensive dancing school at that time.Otherwise,they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visit Broadway theaters.But George managed enter a cheap school in San Diego.
The more he practiced dancing hard,the more he got eager to be a better dancer.Finally,he was admitted of his dancing skills by a man who came to the school for scouting.He had become well known in a dance meet in California.Not only the teachers of his school and the scouting director were attracted by his energetic dancing and enthusiastic about dancing.The scout person promised George to take him to New York
是要纠错的 这篇文章不是我写的 是让改错的 文章全部都有错 要用英文把这篇文章改正过来
主要分两个问题来写
第一，写文章主要结构哪里不好，先指出来，在改正，并说明为什么。
第二，找一些小错误，比如文法，或用词不当的，包括介词不当，时态的错误等，先指出在改正，在说为什么
写好的有追加分 我的分都追加了也可以 主要是着急 三楼的写的不错 有没有更加完善的改错的 要用英文写的