哪位大侠能告诉我这篇雅思作文能的多少分!

哪位大侠能告诉我这篇雅思作文能的多少分!
Some people think the government should pay for citizens’ health care and education while others argue that it is not the government’s responsibility.Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
essay：
At present,whether government should respond for individual’s health welfare and education fees has been a topic of heated debate.
On one hand,supporters insist that government should dedicate itself to improving citizens’ living conditions,which include both health care and education.Firstly,neither health care nor education cannot be the cornerstones of social development.More specifically,both health care and education can influence an individual’s life substantially and immediately-that is,without a well-being of either health care or education,one can be impoverished or even hazardless to whole society.Further,of essential obligation is it for government to ensure citizens’ well-beings of both health care and education.As nation is made up of prevalent individuals,it is the obligation of nation’s authorities to enable citizens to have a better much more than good life.Consequently,it is the obligation for government to abide by their natural rules to constitute to the pay of citizens’ health care and education.
On the other hand,opponent criticise that it is not authorities’ duty to pay for all citizens’ health care and education.The most evident and remarkable reason goes to the fairness.For instance,individuals tend to be able to pay for their own health care and education.However,it is not reasonable for authorities to identify the needy,which in turn may engender a situation that instead of the needy can get what they need,the government’s welfare goes astray.In the second place,government could allocate finance to constitute to the construction of the infrastructure.Be it schools,hospitals,nurseries,they could do much more to whole society than the direct finance aids.Besides,the direct finance aids may give a comfortable condition and an opportunity to individuals,thus they may not dedicate themselves to fulfill their own potential.
So overall,I am convinced that it is the authorities’ obligation to pay for citizens’ health care and education.However,instead of equality,it should have made more sense if government could identify the needy.
能不能帮我具体修改下，第一次发问题呢。希望有高手能具体给修改下 因为我觉得有几个地方还是有问题的！