请对我的雅思写作给点建议（以下是一段main body）
请对我的雅思写作给点建议（以下是一段main body）
题目：some people think that children should be encouraged to do some paid work while others say that it is unacceptable because it brings about negative effects on the healthy development of children.What is your opinion?
The significant factor of doing paid work is helping parents to lessen the economic pressure.There are an increasing number of children who are willing to do some paid work since they intend to earn money to buy something they want instead of asking their parents for pocket money.In other words,it is a feasible and practical way to save money of their parents.On the contrary,if children just spend time in studying rather than doing some paid work,they willprobably know little about how hard to earn money which is responsible for the fact that they waste money.
Well done.
I tentatively suggest that the last sentence can be rewritten as follows.
What's more, if children just spend time studying without any experience of doing paid work, they probably won't know how hard it is to earn money, which may contribute to their bad habit of wasting money.