各位英语大师给这篇作文打个分,满分15.顺便指正下错误.)

各位英语大师给这篇作文打个分,满分15.顺便指正下错误.)
Helping Poor Students Financially Unfortunately,it's often the case that some students are unable to enter university beacause of the high cost of tuitioh fees,which makes many young men get away from a good education.In order to solve the problem,all of us should try our best to do what we can do.Firstly,it's necessary that the government should improve the relevant systems.Much money should be put into helping the poor.Secondly,the public can also make contributions.With the charities increasing,it's more convinenient for us to show our kindness to the poor.Thirdly,the school should also burden the responsibility.The school can not only reduce the poor students' tuition fees,but also offer some part-time jobs to them.All in all,as a member of the society,we should show our sympathy to all the poor.What's more,we should try our best to help them as much as possible.Only in this way,can we live a peaceful life.