初中英语幽默小短文

The World's Greatest Swordsman
At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
世界上最伟大的击剑手
在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中,排名第三的击剑手上场了.一只苍蝇放了出来,剑划了一个弧,他将苍蝇劈成了两半.观众欢呼起来.紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半.现场一阵沉默,人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场.
他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了.最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标,然而他还在微笑着.
“你为什么这么高兴?”有人嚷道,“你没击中!”
“啊,”剑手答道,“你刚才没有很仔细地看.苍蝇还活着,是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了.”
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A Mistake
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
搞错了
一位美国人,一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生.他们到达天堂的门口.在那里,醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了.“每人给我五百美元,”他说,“我将把你们送回人间,就象什么都没有发生过一样.”
“成交!”美国人说.立刻,他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近.
“其他人在哪儿?”一名医生问道.
“我离开之前,”那名美国人说,“我看见英格兰人正在砍价,而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的*来出这笔钱.”
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Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.
猪还是女巫
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车,一个女人相向驾车而来.他们相遇时,那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪!”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫!”他们继续前行.这个男的在下一个路口转弯时,撞上了路中间的一头猪.要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了.
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Response Ability
An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."
Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."
答问技巧
衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币.别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时,牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法.”
当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时,他答道：“当然不会.毕竟,我可能会是错的.”
一份报纸组织了一场竞赛,为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火,而你只能救出一幅画,你将救出哪一幅?”
获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅.”
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Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
伟大的猎手Jonesie
有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼.于是,村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽.
猎手躺着等了几个晚上,但狮子一直没有出现.最后,他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他.把羊皮披在身上后,猎人到草原上去等狮子.
半夜,村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒.他们小心地靠近后,看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟.没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹.
“Jonesie,怎么了?狮子在哪?”村长问.
“哪有狮子!”猎人怒吼道,“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了?”
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Weather Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.
一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴.
"印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.
几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.
最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"
印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."
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I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.
"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
我要表现得象位女士
一天,远东百货公司的女装大减价,一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件.可是,没过多久,他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄.
他竭力忍耐着.后来,他低下头,挥动座的前辈.
2、This century most expensive commodity is talent.
“21世纪什么最贵?人才!
3、An organization without discipline.
“有组织,无纪律.”
4、First my gaze toward the moon, but the moon shines on the ditch.
“我本一心向明月,奈何明月照沟渠”
Who knows me understand my needs, I’m a mystery to he who know me not .
“真是知我者谓我心忧,不知我者谓我何求啊”
5、I can’t stand you armed robber types, no technical skills what so ever.
“我最讨厌你们这些劫匪了,一点技术含量都没有.”
6、I can reliably inform you that, uncle lee is very angry. The consequences will be severe.
“我可以很负责地告诉你,黎叔很生气,后果很严重.”
7、I was reckless, I was reckless,never thought that girl would play me.
“大意呀,大意呀,想不到被一丫头片子玩儿了.”
Father's Things
When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.
Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.
One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.
Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"
"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.
"And that shirt's mine too."
"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.
"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.
"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"
父亲的东西
汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候,长得和父亲一样高了,于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时,就开始借父亲的衣服穿.
霍德华先生可不喜欢这样,当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时,总是非常生气.
一天晚上,汤姆下楼准备出去,父亲在门厅里拦住了他.他细细打量着汤姆的穿着.
然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆,那不是我的一条领带吗?”
汤姆回答说：“是的,父亲,是你的领带.”
“还有那衬衫也是我的.”
“是的,衬衫也是你的.”汤姆回答说.
“还有呢,你连皮带也用我的.”霍德华先生说.
“是的,父亲,”汤姆回答说,“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧?”