麻烦高人看看我这篇短文有多少语法错误,结构错误,用词错误.麻烦改详细些,我会加分的.Glance at the graph provided show the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart concerning the information of English home used electricity.According to the graph, we can see clearly that English home in winter consume electricity high than summer (the winter always above 30,000). Electricity consumption fluctuates during 0hrs to 12hrs. Electricity is used by Eng

See my comments in brackets and I revised it to tell a better story of your project: (Bob)
Glance at the graph provided show(s) the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart concerning the information of English home used electricity.
According to the graph, we can see clearly that English home in winter consume(s) electricity high than summer (the winter always (uses) above 30,000). Electricity consumption fluctuates during 0hrs to 12hrs. Electricity used by English home at 2:00 (pm) hrs (with) reaching 40,000. And at 9:00 (pm), it drop to 30,000. The consumption of electricity rise(s) slowly from 38,000 to 41,000 (in the) afternoon. At night, the electricity consumption is the maximum in all day. It soars rapidly from 41,000 to 45,000 during (7:00 pm.) and 11:00 pm. An ultimate one clock in all day ,it plunge dramatically down 35,000 (presumably most people have gone asleep then) .
Let('s) look at the second curve of this graph. It indicate(s) that the information of the English home consumes electricity in summer. It (is) different from the winter’s curve, it has no huge change in all day in winter time.
The electricity consumption always varies between the 12,000 and 18,000, but at the 7:00 pm it reach the bottom at 12,000 and at the 1:00 pm it reach the highest point at 20,000.
The pie chart illustrates the type of the electricity, we find that heating room and water occupy 52.5 pre cents. Radio and TV consumption is 15 precent, which is the same as the comsumption of the vaccum and food mixers. (我想表达:吸尘器和food mixers消耗电的比例与radio,TV是相同的都是15%,). Remainder consumption is from the ovens, kettles and washing machine.
All in all, according to these pictures, we find that the English home usage of electricity information and type of consumption between winter and summer are different.

The graph shows the demand for electricity in England during typical winter and summer days. The pie chart concerns the information of electricity used in English homes.
According to the graph, we can clearly see that during winter,the English home consumes more electricity than during summer (constantly 30,000 more consumed during summer than during winter). Electricity consumption fluctuates between 0hrs to 12hrs. Electricity used by English home at 2hrs reaches 40,000. And at 9hrs, it drops to 30,000. The consumption of electricity rises slowly from 38,000 to 41,000 during the afternoon.Maximum electricity consumption is at night. The consumption rate soars rapidly from 41,000 at 19hrs to 45,000 at 23hrs. By 0hrs it plunges dramatically down to 35,000.
Let's look at the second curve of this graph. It indicates the English home electricity consumption during summer. Different from the curve during winter, the graph remains relatively steady.
The electricity consumption constantly wavers between the 12,000 and 18,000, though at the 9hrs it reach the bottom at 12,000 and at the 13hrs it reach the highest point at 20,000.
The pie chart illustrates what the electricity is used for. We find that heating room and water occupy 52.5 pre cents of total electricity consumption, while radio and TV consumption is at 15 pre cents.Vacuum cleaners and food mixers also take up 15%.(我想表达:吸尘器和food mixers消耗电的比例与radio,TV是相同的都是15%,). The other 17.5% is shared by ovens, kettles and the washing machine.
最后那一段不明白用意
主要是修饰词有点不会用，during,at等。还有很多是词组问题。有些地方两个词颠倒一下就可以

All in all, according to these picture, we find that the English home use electricity information and type of consumption between winter and summer.

前面的我是在原文基础上改的,括号的是需要修正的.后面太乱了,就直接改了.你对照一下原文就知道了.Glance at the graph provided （which) (原句里有glance,show两个动词,语法上错误,加上which,把它变成了从句）shows...

(Glance at删去 )The graph （provided删去）shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows the used electricity information of English families（改为此句） .
According to the graph, we can see clearly that English families（同上）consume more electricity in winter than in summer （改为此句）(in winter always above 30,000). Electricity consumption fluctuates between（during改为between） 0hrs to 12hrs. Englise families that use electricity of 2hrs reach 40,000,and for 9hrs, it drops to 30,000.(根据楼主的文义，改为此句) The consumption of electricity rises(加s) slowly from 38,000 to 41,000 in the afternoon. At night, the electricity consumption is the maximum of the day（in all day改为of the day）. It soars rapidly from 41,000 to 45,000 between（during改为between） 19hrs and 23hrs. An ultimate one clock in all day ,it plunge dramatically down 35,000.
Let we look at the second curve of this graph. It indicates（加s） （that多余的，删去）the information of the electricity consumption of English families in summer. It is（加上is）different from that of（加上that of）the winter’s curve, it doesn't have a great change during the day(改为此句).The electricity consumption always waves（加s） between the 12,000 and 18,000, but at the 9hrs it reaches（加上es）the bottom of（at改为of） 12,000 and at the 13hrs it reaches the highest point of（同时） 20,000.
The pie chart also（加上also） illustrates（加s） the type of the electricity consumption（加上consumption )。We find that heating room and water occupy 52.5 precent(去掉s). Radio and TV consumption is 15 precent（同时）. So are vacuum cleaners and food mixers(我想表达:吸尘器和food mixers消耗电的比例与radio,TV是相同的都是15%,). Remaind改为The rest consumption is shared by the ovens, kettles and washing machines（改为此句）.
All in all, according to the graph（these picture改为the graph与前文对应）, we can（加上can） find the English families' electricity information as well as its types in the winter and summer.
楼主的文章有点难度，但经精心修改，已基本通顺。
祝你进步！