英语幽默搞笑短文

　　First Flight
　　Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
　　His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
　　After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
　　"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."
　　第一次坐飞机
　　约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机,他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道.所以,有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时,约翰逊先生非常担心,不敢接受.不过,由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的,约翰逊先生终于被说服了,登上了飞机.
　　他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行.约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落,所以他吓得紧闭双眼.
　　过了一两分钟,他睁开双眼朝窗外望去,接着对朋友说道：“看下面那些人,他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小,是不是?”
　　“那些就是蚂蚁,”他的朋友答道,“我们还在地面上.”
　　A Nail Or A Fly?
　　An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
　　So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
　　Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
　　钉子还是苍蝇?
　　一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房.他双手各拿一瓶酒.在墙上有只苍蝇,他误以为是枚钉子.他把两只瓶子朝上一挂,瓶子掉下来摔碎了,酒洒了一地.一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后,对他深表同情,决定帮他个忙.
　　于是,第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时,她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方.
　　这里,老人回到了房里.倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事.他抬头往墙上一看,苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近,使尽全力拍了一掌.听到一声大叫,好心的女服务员冲进房来.让她大为吃惊的是,可怜的老头正坐在地板上,牙关紧咬,右手滴血不止.
　　Chaude and Cold
　　A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
　　"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
　　"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
　　"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
　　热与冷
　　蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头,结果被水烫伤了.“这太可恶了,”他抱怨道,“标着C的龙头流出的是开水.”
　　“可是,先生,C代表Chaude－法语里代表‘热’.如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点.”
　　“等等,”那位顾客咆哮一声,“另外一个龙头同样标的是C.”
　　“当然,”经理说道：“它代表冷.毕竟,蒙特利尔是个双语城市.”
　　Imitate Birds
　　A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.
　　"Imitate birds," the man said.
　　"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."
　　"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
　　模仿鸟儿
　　一个人想在一个舞台剧中找份工作.“你能干什么呢?”负责人问.
　　“模仿鸟儿,”那人说.
　　“你在开玩笑吧?”负责人答道,“那样的人一毛钱可以找一打.”
　　“噢,那就算了.”那名演员说着,展开翅膀,飞出了窗口.
　　How Did You Ever Get Here
　　One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
　　The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
　　"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
　　你是怎样来的?
　　一个冬天的早晨,一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班.“外面太滑了,我每向前迈一步,就要向后退两步.”
　　老板狐疑地看着他.“噢,是吗?那你是怎样到这里来的?”
　　“后来我决定放弃,”他说,“然后我就往家里走.”
　　Keep the Change
　　Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
　　I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
　　零钱不用找了
　　在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时,我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论.他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣,但是说它要三十五美分开价过高.其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分.
　　我指出这本书保存状况颇好,纳什是个有趣的诗人,这个要价是合理的.他说这是个原则问题.最终,我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他.他得意洋洋,拿出一张十美元的票子付帐.“零钱不用找了.”他说.
　　Midway Tactics
　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
　　中间战术
　　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺.旁观者等着瞧好戏.
　　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌,上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”
　　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌,声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”
　　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌,上面只简单地写着：“入口处”.
　　Best Reward
　　A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
　　"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."
　　最好的奖赏
　　一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中.他被一名甲板水手救起.这位军官问如何都能酬谢他.
　　“最好的办法,长官,”这名水手说,“是别声张这事.如果其他人知道我救了您,他们会把我扔下去的.”
　　A Mistake
　　An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
　　"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
　　"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
　　"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
　　搞错了
　　一位美国人,一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生.他们到达天堂的门口.在那里,醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了.“每人给我五百美元,”他说,“我将把你们送回人间,就象什么都没有发生过一样.”
　　“成交!”美国人说.立刻,他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近.
　　“其他人在哪儿?”一名医生问道.
　　“我离开之前,”那名美国人说,“我看见英格兰人正在砍价,而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的*来出这笔钱.”
　　Imitation
　　A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
　　Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
　　"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
　　模 仿
　　一个男孩放学回家时,觉得肚子痛.“来,坐下,吃点点心,”妈妈说,“你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的.吃点东西就会好的.”
　　一会儿,男孩的爸爸下班回家了,说是头痛.
　　“你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的,”他那聪明的儿子说,“里面装点东西,就会好的.”
　　Bedtime Prayers
　　Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
　　Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
　　And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
　　睡前祷告词
　　朱莉叶在做睡前祷告.“上帝,求求你,”她说,“让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧.”
　　妈妈打断她的话说：“朱莉叶,为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都呢?”
　　朱莉叶回答道：“因为我在地理考卷上是这样写的.”
　　A Fine Match
　　One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
　　The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
　　Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
　　势均力敌
　　有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过.她很害怕老鼠,所以她冲出屋子,搭上了公共汽车直奔商店.在那儿,她买了一只老鼠夹.店主告诉她：“放点奶酪在里面,很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的.”
　　这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里,但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪.她不想再回到商店里去,因为已经很晚了.于是,她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子.
　　令人称奇的是,这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上,这位女士下楼到厨房时,发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
　　Class and Ass
　　Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."
　　A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
　　Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".
　　班和笨驴
　　格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不见他的班级.”
　　一个学生读了通知后,擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘).
　　后来劳里教授来了,也想开开玩笑,他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驴).