请帮忙批改下我的托福独立作文,7月23号就要考试了!

问题描述:

请帮忙批改下我的托福独立作文,7月23号就要考试了!
刚开始准备作文,写的第一篇和第二篇作文.麻烦帮忙修改下,然后我这两篇作文请问可以拿多少分?我会按修改好坏加分滴~10到30分不等!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
In order to become financially responsible adults,children should manage their own money at the young age.
我的作文:
With the development of one nation’s per capita income,it is not rare to see that children have more chances to manage their own money at the young age.Consequently,I am so eager to say a few words to this issue.I really consider that if this plan is carried out in the near future,there would be more advantages to be brought to the quality of life of our social community.
And I have several specific reasons for agreeing with it,which are explained in the following paragraphs.Firstly,from a personally and psychological perspective,it is generally believed that managing one’s own money could contribute to building their financial budget,which would definitely save a large amount of money.I want to take a single example for myself.When I was ten years old,my father would give me five yuan each day before sending me to the primary school in my hometown.From then on,I begin to form a concept of managing my own money.With the help of this early special education,i have learned to write a plan before I buy something,which obviously leads me to save the possibly wasted money.
Secondly,the management of children’s own money apparently alleviate their parents’ burden.Ones’ parents would have to spend extra time on purchasing goods for their children.For example,a school bag,the text books,pencils,clothes etc.This inevitably cost much time and need to spare more energy.On the contrary,if the parents give the money to their children to let them administer it by themselves,they would have more time to focus on their daily work or take a rest,such as playing golf and watching a basketball game.
Taking into account all these factors,we may safely draw the conclusion that the management of children’s own money is of great significance.Obviously,its advantages of cultivating ones’ financial consciousness and helping them be early independent far outweigh its disadvantages of wasting money.Nonetheless,it is more desirable if the parents infuse the right concept of consumption into children’s mind before they provide their kids with the pocket money.

有拼写错误,capita-capital第二点是,在比较正规的文章中,不会出现悬垂结构,你的第一局子就有问题,with the development,后的主语不应是it 而应是children,还有,我在上托福办的时候老师就告诉我,要在第一段就把点子说...谢谢!挺详细的~不过有几点我想再问下~悬垂结构是说前面长后边短把?第一段把电子说清就是把每一段的主要观点提炼出来写在第一段吗?还有这样的文章大概能拿几分呢?谢谢~好的,悬垂结构是,比如 Seeing her health sinking rapidly, alarm clutched the father's heart.   她父亲看到她健康迅速恶化,很是惊慌。  (分词seeing的逻辑主语当然不是alarm,但它包含在宾语heart的定语father's之中。)His summer holidays were spent in the countryside, helping his father with farm work.他在乡下过暑假,帮助父亲干农活。(分词helping的逻辑主语包含在主语holidays的定语his之中)以上句子之所以能被接受,是因为它们能清楚表达意思,不会引起误解,如第一句中alarm是抽象名词,不会误解为seeing的逻辑主语;第二句中主语holidays是无生命的名词,不可能误解为helping的逻辑主语。2,是的,我上课是老师就是这么说的,因为你知道,改卷人一天要该很多卷子,所以他会先看你的首段,如果你把点子提出来了,她的思维就会比较清楚,3这作文大概是3-3,5吧,(满分5分)