帮我评论下我的雅思作文（用雅思的标准）,评分,评语,改正语法,越细越好

帮我评论下我的雅思作文（用雅思的标准）,评分,评语,改正语法,越细越好
同样的题目我写了2篇,不知哪种风格好,
In many countries,children participates in some paid work in their spare time.Some people think this is wrong,but others believe that such work will extend the children's knowledge and improve their sense of responsibility.
What is your opinion?
一
In the contemporary society,a great deal of attention is paid for children to engage in some paid work in their spare time.In my opinion,children enjoy paid work in their spare time,which will not only benefit personal competence but also enrich horizon and cultivate sense of obligation for their development.Admittedly,I endorse this opinion.
Recently,a bulk of companies eager to employ workers who have hands-on experience,therefore it is an opportunity for children enriching their working experience through enjoying the paid work in their spare time.And it is also a chance to get to know hot much stress existed how arduous to make living in the society,after that they may more cherish their opportunity to study.And from paid work children still could cultivate their skill of communication and team-collaborated spirits,which calibre couldnot be attained in the regular course at school.
On the other hand,there is a point should be concerned of children participating paid work.For children their main commission is to study not to work.So how to handle the time,and how to control the quantity of paid work that should be considered.
Overall,my view is that children should be boosted to entail more paid works in their spare time.But donot let the paid works affect their studying.(221字）（看了慎小嶷的书,说,有的人写完作文感觉不错,但是从学术角度看只值5分）帮我看看,
另一篇,因为字数要求有限制所以另起一篇