帮忙改一道新托福独立写作题
帮忙改一道新托福独立写作题
是个07年9月15的题,是说extended现在是不是重要的题,觉得好容易写偏,所以写一个给大家看看,有什么要改进的畅所欲言,小弟8月8考,希望能帮忙看下,跪谢!
Nowadays most families in our society are nuclear families,thus many people think the extended families which are seldom found are not still important.However,in my view,extended families are still very significant since they have many advantages such as having more cares among families and getting more advises when any of the family has troubles.
When we live in extended families,we can get more cares and helps from other family numbers than nuclear families.For me as an example,I live in an extended family which is included not only many parents but also my uncle,aunt,brother and grandparents.I felt I can get much more care than a simple nuclear family give.When I had a fever,my aunt can give me the instant diagnose since she is a doctor in a famous hospital; when I had a problem in math,my uncle can give me the best solution as his major in university is math.Even my grandparents,they also give me a lot of help by telling me much experience in life.Thus,these cares seem impossible in a nuclear families and I can feel an extended families more functional.
Secondly,if people can get more advises if they live in an extended family.About last year,my mother lost her job and lost confidence in life since she thought she would do nothing and left at home for her left life.As I lived in an extended family,as I mentioned,all the numbers begin to do as much as possible with my mother's problems.My uncle and my aunt try their best to find a decent job for my mother; my grandparents try to help my mother build up confidence.As the strong relationship in my uncle's business,he helped my mother to find a pretty high salary work and finally my mother rebuild her confidence and take the job delighted.Therefore,extended families have the extra function to get people more job opportunities.
Surely,I know there are less and less extended families in our society,but,it is the truth that extended families have their own merits and will be functional to society.
小弟掐时间写的,希望多提宝贵意见,再谢!
请帮我看看有没有走题.
第二段第二行I live in an extended family which is included not only many parents but also my uncle,aunt,brother and grandparents.
是my parents,是吗?一点小错,应该是笔误吧.不过which is included 应该是“被包括在……”的意思,好像就不太说的通了,应该是which includes 吧,而且include 用在这儿也不太恰当,换成contains 也许会好些（个人意见）
When I had a fever,my aunt can give me the instant diagnose since she is a doctor in a famous hospital; when I had a problem in math,my uncle can give me the best solution as his major in university is math.这两个并列句,前后时态不一致,这本身不能算是错误,但是结合句意来看,不太通顺,这里讲的既然是普遍的例子,而不是某一特定实例,可以将过去时改为现在时.还有his major in university is math,is 还是换成was 好些.
I felt I can get much more care than a simple nuclear family give.也是存在时态问题.
还有,文中的care 有时当作可数名词,有时当作不可数,这一点应该也要统一吧,不过只是个小毛病.
本人英语水平有限,所改之处未必精准,楼主将就着参考一下吧.衷心祝你取得好成绩.
Nowadays most families in our society are nuclear families,thus many people think that extended families which are seldom found are not important any more.In my view,however,extended families are still very significant since they have many advantages such as having more care among families and getting more advises when any of the families has troubles.
When we live in extended families,we can get more care and help from other family numbers than nuclear families.For me as an example,I live in an extended family which has not only my parents but also my uncle,aunt,brother and grandparents.I feel that I can get much more care living in this extended family than living in a simple nuclear family.When I have a fever,my aunt can give me the instant diagnose since she is a doctor in a famous hospital; when I have a problem in math,my uncle can help me out as his major in university was math.Even my grandparents,two 80-year old,also give me a lot of help by telling me much experience in life.However,these cares seem impossible in a nuclear family and I feel an extended family more helpful and functional.
Secondly,people can get more advises if they live in an extended family.About last year,my mother lost her job and lost confidence in life since she thought she would do nothing and left at home for the rest of her life.As she lived in an extended family,as I mentioned,all the members began to do as much as possible to solve my mother's problems.My uncle and my aunt tried their best to find a decent job for my mother; my grandparents tried to help my mother build up confidence.As the strong relationship in my uncle's business,he helped my mother to find a job of pretty high salary and finally my mother rebuilt her confidence and took the job delightedly.
In conclusion,in spite of the decreasing number of extended families,I still think that these families not only have their own merits,but also are functional to our society.